A Rock and a Hard Place
by Kirabaros
Summary: Sam is soulless and Dean knows and Angela is not in the picture. Dean struggles to figure out what to do as he processes the events that led to him finding out about douchebag Sam.


**A Rock and a Hard Place**

You know that saying that you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone? Well whoever said it probably came up with the smartest thing since the invention of pie. It's a lousy feeling but it really can put into perspective the things you took for granted but can also heighten your awareness as well as relief. I know I sound like I'm rambling but there is a purpose to it; a method to my madness and frankly it is comforting given the situation I am in.

I should have picked up on it right away. The pups were the ones that gave the signals and I ignored them until Cas decided to tell me what the hell was going on. Had I been more observant, I would have noticed how my sweetheart Moira refused to go near Sam whenever we dropped by Bobby's after he saved me from the djinn. Actually she's Sam's sweetheart and Zeppelin's my buddy but the point is they, along with Xander, didn't go near Sam. One time Zepp actually snapped his jaws at the one he liked to wrestle with. That was my first clue and most important.

The other stuff, like Sam letting me get turned into a vamp or the fact that he would look at something that would remind me of her, he would give a look that made me uncomfortable. Then the fact that truth goddess Veritas said something was wrong with him and Cas filling in the blanks… It makes me feel like an idiot that I haven't been able to recognize the fact that my little brother is back topside but without his soul.

I know that Sam can be a bonehead but this Robo-Sam… It worries me and is like a play on my worst fears. The devil may care attitude… too close a reminder of what he did to Jake Talley. Sam has always been the nice guy but get him up against a wall and he fights back. This new one… I don't know and I do what I can to keep Zepp and Xander from chomping on him and Moira, I know I won't be able to hold her back once she gets going. She is the Harridan from Hell and I know for a fact that if demons fear her then I'm toast at getting her to heel.

The fact that I have a soulless Sam here with me can't be a coincidence with the fact that Angie hasn't shown her face. She has the tick when she knows we're in trouble and we've been in serious trouble times before and she still hasn't shown. She disappeared after Sam jumped into the pit with Lucifer and Michael who was riding Adam's meat. I don't need to guess. I _know_ she went back. She went back into the pit for no other reason except to save Sam.

I guess I could say that I know that she's still there and probably because she is using some mojo that tracks souls or she honestly believes that Sam is there. Well he is since it's his soul and all. She's down there probably kicking the shit out of Lucifer and Michael with one hand tied behind her back and getting her licks in. I don't blame her since the damned Apocalypse keeps threatening the one thing I want her and Sam to have now that they finally know where they stand. It isn't fair.

In all honesty though, I'm glad she isn't topside. Seeing soulless Sam doing the things he's been doing, banging women like they were nothing… It would break her heart. True she wouldn't blame Sam but… I know her. Sam has the power to hurt her far worse than what the bastards that have tormented her for centuries have been able to do. It is a risk she had been willing to take since Sam started 'courting' her.

I miss what we had before all this crap. True it hadn't been sunshine and rainbows considering I pretty much treated her like crap because of what she knew regarding Mom and Dad but that was better than what we are going through now. I tried bringing up a good memory and Sam… He remembers but being soulless, he doesn't care. It is cold that he doesn't feel what he used to bitch about; worrying whether or not it was right to pursue a relationship. One more thing that is plucked away and it sucks.

I trudge along as best as I can while trying to figure out what to do about soulless Sam. Every fiber of my being wants to do something to bring them both back but I don't want to interfere if she happens to be holding the football and is trying to go for the touchdown. I catch myself asking myself what she would do and sometimes I ask as if she were there what she would do especially when it comes to looking at my brother in the eye the way he is now. Probably she would do what I did after the Veritas; kick his ass royally but she would then be cold and that hits hard… not that douchey Sam would care.

So as I walk this tightrope act and trying to cope with the fact that Lisa doesn't want my sorry ass around anymore, I stumbled across one of those boxes that Angie keeps around at Bobby's. For someone who travels as much as we do, she made herself at home but it wasn't like she had much of a choice since Bobby said she belonged and that was that. Yeah we are a bit fucked up with that. Anyway, the box was one that was designed to preserve whatever was in it from the passage of time; I recognized the sigil thingies she had on it. It is just like her trunk where she keeps her clothes, the period style as well as her kick as outfit from the tournament.

The box was labeled 1920-1930 and it had me curious. Angie was always saying that was her favorite time period even though most people were poor, Depression, and then the mobster thing. Weird I know but the main reason was that she loves what she calls vaudeville acts, the whole Broadway and on the stage kind of thing. The movies that were better than the actual movies, or talkies as she calls them. I was curious so I opened it.

If you thought she photo shopped things, you'd be a moron. The box was full of trinkets, one being an antique butterfly brooch from someone named Ada Everleigh as a thank you along with a picture… Oh holy crap. I had no idea she went to _that_ place for a job. At least this picture is decent even if she is wearing a suit like a man would.

There is one picture that I liked out of that whole set. Same era but it was different from the others. Angie is wearing period clothing but… I always said she was gorgeous but there is something different about it. It was taken in some garden with the house or mansion in the background. It actually looked like a castle to me and it looked like I could make out old time movie stars like Clark Gable in the background but the main focus was her.

The more I think about it, the more I think that picture is of how she should be. It is hard to describe but she looks at peace sitting there, like she belongs. The picture is in black and white but I can tell that she is wearing white; she wears that color well and the hat… wide brimmed but perched with precision and her eyes gaze off into the distance. She looks happy but I think wistful, like she's looking for something. It's weird but it's her, like how I remember pre-Apocalypse.

Maybe it was wrong but I kept that picture along with a group shot of the three of us looking like we mutilated my baby while giving an oil change. I don't know what to do now with my dickbag brother and the person I would ask is not here. And if she were, I'd dump the hard choices on her like I usually do because in all honesty, I'm not as brave as I seem.

Tessa was right when she said that deep down we are all scared. Maybe that is so when it comes to dying but that's life too. Angie understands that better than anyone and yet she keeps at it. That's why she's the best going after Sam's soul. I know she's down there fighting tooth and nail for it. And it's not for me or anyone else but because she indulged in being selfish for once; she's doing it for her because she loves my brother and I sort of always want to do a victory dance since she has that nasty but good habit of caring about others to the point that it makes even Sam at his best look like a douchebag.

If she were here, I would ask her what to do. Probably she would suggest the damn crazy idea I am having now. Actually she would though she would probably not need the extremes. However, she's not here and I am making this choice. It can hear her say that it's stupid and that if I die in the process she would bring me back so she could kill me herself. That's my girl.

It is the most stupid idea ever, reaching out to Tessa again by dying to get in touch with her boss Death. That guy gives me the creeps, but I have his ring. If I can get him to do this, then maybe… maybe I at least could get my Sam back and douchey Sam… I am past debating the reasoning though I don't think there was ever any to begin with ever since Cas spilled the beans about Sam's soul still stuck in the Cage and then that dick Crowley and asshole Grandpa Sam Campbell…

The money has been gathered and paid. I'm doing this. Looking at the picture of the three of us and her in that garden… I just wish things were back to the way they were before. Would we change our choices? Probably not even though we would know things that we didn't know then. Rubbing her image, I realize how much I do rely on her to point out what I know in that way of hers. I can see now why that witch gave us that chance with her as a four year old.

Do I wish to change anything? Maybe a little but if I did that, then I wouldn't have her as the sister looking out for me and vice versa. Sam wouldn't have the woman that most likely stole his heart from day one though he was a bonehead about it until he got those floppy locks out of his eyes. Bottom line is, we wouldn't have known her and maybe life would have sucked then as it does now. At least knowing her makes it suck less. So I guess I am taking a leaf out of her book and pulling out the stops and maybe our train can get back on the rails.

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**A/N:** Looks like Dean is thinking about what he is going to do now that he knows that his brother is soulless. A little angsty but this is Dean and he has feelings too. Enjoy.


End file.
